Tradition and Repetition
by Kare Uta
Summary: The holidays are the same. Always. Now with an unexpected Russian guest with more angst in his life than he can handle, he may just knock the team right out of their repetitive lifestyles for some time. Angsty; rated for mention of rape, self-harm, etc.
1. Silence

_**Tradition and Repetition**_

The holidays were something that happened every single year. Regardless of whether the year had been a good or a bad one, the holidays are always present. For the first few years they seem eventful, while later on they become a bit more like tradition, and then, they merely become habit. Just like the past three or four years, a week before the holidays began, the team all sat around Kai's living room.

To Kai, this had all happened one too many times before. He sat back on the sofa, huddled in a corner and watching his teammates converse about their plans for the holidays. Again, they were all the same as they had been for the past few years. Ray was going back to his village to see family, Max was going to America with his dad to see his mom and spend a few weeks there with her and Tyson's dad was flying in for about two weeks. Even now, Kai's own plans for the holidays had become habit, something he swore against constantly; habits. Still, he decided this habit was decent enough to ignore, choosing to stay home by the fire and watching movies, as he had little else to do with no family to see, and friend's all over the planet, rather than any place reachable.

"Kai…Kai!" Tyson clicked his fingers in front of Kai's face, gaining his attention once again. "Phone." That one word alerted Kai to the ringing sound coming from his kitchen. Anyone who ever calls was right in the room, so this got him running to the phone in seconds.

The company in the living room had grown quiet without their captain. "What do you think happened?" Max murmured, all three having clearly heard some tough impact of something.

The three looked into the dark kitchen, their eyes looking around for their captain, finding him standing at a wall, phone still to his ear and fist still planted firmly into the wall. They watched their Russian slam the phone back into its place on the wall, pausing for a breath before turning round. By the time he got to the living room, the others had gone back to their earlier positions. "Who was it, Kai?" Ray asked curiously.

"No one." Kai replied casually, going back to his place on the couch. The kind of silence he'd forced upon himself was a different kind of silence than the one he had now. Earlier, it wasn't about indifference, it was more about an interested silence. He sat there watching his friends converse, and while not being entirely interested, he still listened intently to all their strange anecdotes. This time though, it was more about thought, complete silence brought on by the fact that his mind was screaming with a search for answers. Maybe these holidays weren't going to be as typical for him as he'd thought.

Even his friends could tell the change in silence. They were suddenly sure that something in that brief phone call had been said to set off and silence their friend. As curious as they were, they weren't about to compromise anything by asking the oldest what had happened so instead they continued to converse with each other as they had done before the whole phone call had interrupted them. Though their conversation seemed forced, not being able to shake off the feeling of Kai's penetrative glare that had been melting its way through the floor.

Once again conversation was interrupted, this time by the front door. Though thanks to the phone call, Kai had been well aware of who was at the door and so departed from his teammates quick enough so as not to leave them to wait. Pulling open the front door, he let Mr. Dickinson and Tala step inside from the blizzard, both dusting the snow off themselves by the door. Tala walked right past Kai, walking to the furthest part of the hall and sitting down in an armchair by the stairs. Kai turned back to Mr. Dickinson, glaring more than just furiously, "You should've told me what happened sooner!" he bit out, desperate to shout, though not doing so to avoid his teammates and Russian friend from hearing.

"At the time the priority was getting Tala away from Russia, Kai, I'm sorry."

Kai had little to no choice but to accept the apology, assuming that if he got mad at his superior that it'd be a lot more difficult to get information about the events out of him. Nonetheless, his tone still came out a little strangled, "How has he been?"

"Better," Mr. Dickinson started, "I assume, at least. You understand more about your friend than I do, Kai; that's why I brought him here."

"I want to call you later for details on what happened." Kai said determinedly.

The old man shook his head, "You already know all that I know. If you want more details you'll have to get them from him." So as to avoid more confrontation, he turned to the young boy sitting and staring aimlessly at the back of the room, "I'm going now, Tala, Kai will take care of you from here." He watched the young boy nod in thanks, getting up from the seat and picking up his bags and waiting for the man to leave.

Kai strongly walked up to his friend, his eyes falling on the suddenly frail creature that seemed collapsible in front of him. Tala seemed like he wanted to avoid the same confrontation that Mr. Dickinson intended on avoiding, "Same room as last time?" Tala asked quietly, dragging his backpack onto his shoulder.

"Sure." With that one word the redhead was marching up the stairs with both his bags, "Hey, you can leave a bag down here and I'll bring it up for you later."

"I'm fine."

"Kai…"

The Russian's attention turned to his three teammates standing by the living room door, "Hmm?"

"Was that…Tala?" Tyson asked, hesitant as he got closer to Kai and looked up the stairs where the redhead had disappeared to.

"Yeah," Kai walked back into the living room, his friend's following, "He was having some trouble in Russia, Mr. Dickinson thought it was best if he came here."

"Why didn't you mention it?"

Kai fell back on the sofa at the stupid question, "Because I didn't _know_! I found out like twenty minutes ago."

Everyone sat down, surrounding Kai as though waiting for some answers, "Did something happen to Tala or something? It's not like Mr. Dickinson to just drop something like this unless he had a really good reason." Ray reasoned out loud, though silently prompting Kai to tell them what had happened to his ex-teammate.

Kai bit back on the urge to kick them out of his house, currently the last thing he needed was his worrying friends asking him to divulge information about his other friend. For a few moments he just sat there, waiting for some sort of thought to come to mind where he could tell his friend's what happened without betraying Tala. He had no real intention of telling them anything, but he knew that at the same time they weren't going to quite leave it alone. Something being wrong with Tala was the most obvious thing in the house. "He's just having a tough time, that's it."

"Kai?" Max got Kai's attention again, considering his gaze had gone to the arm of the sofa where he stared as he had done to the floor earlier, "We should go, we should leave you alone with Tala so you could talk to him or something."

The captain sighed, shaking his head and rubbing his temples; being so unprepared for what he heard on the phone, he wasn't doing a very good job of hiding his concerns from his friends. "It's fine, you can stay a while longer; Tala needs some time alone anyway."

"Should we go tell him hello or something?" Max asked quietly, looking to Tyson and Ray for an answer.

"Guys, just leave him alone."

Ray sighed, sitting up on the sofa beside Kai, "We get worried, Kai. If Tala is anything like you, and we _know_ he _is_ like you, then this could be something serious."

Kai glared at the neko-jin for that sentence, "Thanks for giving me some credit." He looked around at the slightly worried gazes, "Really guys, I can look after him just fine."

So the team stayed for a half an hour longer, just sitting around and talking about little random subjects. Kai tried his best to listen intently but his mind continued to wander to his friend upstairs, wondering what he was doing or how he was feeling so in the end he was very fast paced in getting up the stairs after his friend's had left. He knocked lightly on the bedroom door, receiving no answer and so just opening the door and stepping inside.

Tala sat on the windowsill amidst the dark bedroom, a bit of light touching his skin from the moon outside. Kai walked up to him slowly as he chose to give his entrance no real recognition. He sat down on the windowsill in front of him, tilting his head to be able to look at him properly, "Tal?" he heard him groan silently, "Haven't really heard from you in a while…though wouldn't make much sense if I asked how you've been, would it?"

"It really wouldn't."

"Tala…"

"Kai," Tala silenced him with his name, not making any eye contact, "I don't want that lecture right now…that 'it'll be okay in the end' lecture. I don't want to hear it, I _can't_ hear it right now, okay? It's why I left Russia, I can't hear those people go on about how 'it'll be okay' I don't want to hear it."

The older boy moved closer, pulling an arm gently around Tala's back and pulling him a little closer to him, "Tala, I'll do anything to make you feel safe again."

"I know, Kai." The redhead murmured into his shoulder.

"You should've called me the second this happened…I shouldn't have had to find out from Mr. Dickinson."

Tala pressed his face into Kai's shoulder, "I didn't even want him to know! Let alone tell you."

Kai pulled away and leaning back against the wall, staring at Tala's red eyes, "You know he only did it because he was concerned. He seems to think that I could help you, in the end I hope I can but you have to let me."

The redhead averted his gaze once again, looking intently outside where the darkness held nothing, "I don't want to talk about it right now, Kai."

"Well what are you going to do about it?" Kai asked, some hesitance in his voice; Tala really was the only person on earth that could spark something like that in his strong voice.

"I don't know yet…"

"Maybe you…"

Tala glowered irritably in Kai's direction suddenly, speaking through heavily gritted teeth, "If you say I should see a shrink it'll be the end of you, Kai."

"Did you _even_ consider it?"

"Of course I did!" Tala lashed out finally, one stray tear pouring out of the corner of his eye, "Four hours in that hospital room, Kai. Rape tests, X-Rays, stitching, every minute through every little thing they're giving me the option to see a shrink, _of course_ I considered it. I thought about it for a long time but I just can't."

Kai bit on his lip, drawing in a deep breath while trying to reason with his life long friend. What do you tell the person who has been through so much? The same person that doesn't want to hear 'it'll be okay' too? "I just wanted to make sure you were aware of your options."

"I have." He ran his hands through his hair, somewhat wishing he could relieve the stress from his aching mind, "I just want to get some sleep. It's been a long day; a two hour train ride to Moscow, then a three hour flight, one hour taxi ride. Now I…"

"I get it," Kai silenced him; "you're tired. Just try to get some sleep tonight, sleep in as long as you want to in the morning. My room is in the same place as last time you were here so you know where I am if you need anything."

"Thanks, Kai."

"Good night."

_**A/N: So I started writing this out about two days ago and I've already got another 4,000 or so words done. I couldn't really write more without some feedback on what I have so far so I thought I'd post this as the first chapter. Since I wrote everything quite fluidly it was difficult to decide where to cut the chapter. I had wanted to give a little bit more than this but then I would've given a first chapter of about 4,500 words because there was no other suitable place to cut the chapter. So this is my new story, it will take up the rest of my writing time so I'm doubting any more oneshots for a while. I hope you enjoy this fic so far, rest assured though there will be more angst in the future. **_

_**Please leave a review, let me know what you think and I will have the second chapter out as soon as possible. Thank you everyone!**_

**_P.S: I may be in for a screen name change in the near future, so please, if you see updates and new fics from this account but from a different username, please don't abandon the stories because you don't know which they are. Most likely I'll be changing my screen name sometime soon, it's due for a change and its TOO long at the moment._**


	2. Getting To Know

Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

_**--Next Morning--**_

Kai sat back in a chair in his kitchen, kicking the chair back on its two hind legs and balancing perfectly, a mug of coffee in hand as he stared at the ceiling. For most of the night before that he was meant to spend sleeping it was spent worrying about his younger friend. He kept wondering if something was in fact still wrong with him, wondering if he should say something to him, some sort of words of support even though he clearly didn't want to hear them. He tried to convince himself that Tala was old enough to know that Kai would help him if he needed anything, and that Tala would come wake him if he was even upset. Though he couldn't help that nagging feeling at his heart which said that Tala was holding far too much back and was keeping a lot to himself.

With little left to do, Kai made Tala a cup of coffee and taking it up to the boy's room; a little curious to see if Tala had woken up yet. Arriving there, Tala in fact was still sound asleep, lying on his stomach with pillows supporting his apparently-bruised and sliced up torso. Kai had heard from Mr. Dickinson of the many serious injuries that Tala's body had sustained in the recent evens, which got the elder Russian to be able to understand the redhead's sleeping positions.

He set the cup of steaming hot coffee on the nightstand; running his hand gently through Tala's hair and not waiting long enough for him to stir before leaving the bedroom again. Since Tala was out of his way and didn't make any difference to the plans he had, he sat back on the sofa and flipped through TV stations looking for something good to watch. The icy snow outside fell down far too quickly and even the ground in his garden was layered with plenty of it which made practice too difficult to even try.

Long silent hours passed by and Tala still made no appearance downstairs whatsoever. Kai had gone to his small library to look for some books, walking back through the hall to the living room when Tala was seen walking down the stairs with, taking tiny wary steps as he held tightly onto the banister. "Hey…" Kai tried, hesitant.

"Hey…" Tala got to the bottom of the stairs.

"Have you been asleep this whole time?" Kai asked, bringing Tala to follow him into the living room.

"It took a few hours to get to sleep." He said, exhaling quietly, "Thanks for the coffee this morning by the way."

Kai beckoned him to sit down beside him on the sofa, watching him do so before turning to him, "Stupid question ahead; how are you feeling?"

Tala glanced at him, "How should I be feeling?"

"Tala," Kai began, almost biting out the name with frustration.

"What do you _really_ want me to say, Kai? How honest do you want me to be?" Tala asked with a defeated smirk, standing back up in a hurry, glaring down, "You want me to tell you about how I can't stand even breathing anymore? You want me to tell you how every muscle and bone in my body is aching with a kind of pain I wish I never felt? You want me to tell you about how I think I've reached my limit? I feel like my body can't keep up with my mind anymore. My head hurts really bad, and all the time…and my stitches are stinging…my skin is on fire. I can't stand thinking, I can't stand dreaming, I can't stand feeling this way." That's when he fell, right into Kai's arms when he'd stood up upon seeing him wavering, his focus fading out and his voice shaking.

One hand went across the boy's shoulders, and Kai's other hand went to touch the boy's heaving chest before dragging both of them back onto the sofa with Tala on his side and across Kai's legs. The eldest turned him over as best he could, watching his facial expression as he gasped quietly for breath. "Tala," Kai shook him slightly, watching him stir a little quicker, "Sit up." He tugged the boy up into a seated position, getting him to use his arm as a pillow, "You're still not well, and this is over exerting yourself."

"I can't take it anymore, Kai."

Kai hushed him, brushing his hands through the boy's hair and trying to soothe his aching mind and body. "Best thing is to not think about it for now."

"I can't, Kai." Now Tala's repetition of his friend's name was to be able to force himself to remember the person, to make sure that he didn't forget something good. Kai needed to be a reminder to him right now, a good reminder, something to keep him safe.

"Stay still for now; moving around is what just did this to you, you need to stay still." Kai got off the sofa to allow the boy to lie down comfortably, "I'll make you some tea." And so Kai did just that for his best friend, making him a cup of tea and leaving it on the coffee table in front of him while Kai sat and kept a close eye on him to make sure that nothing else happened. Tala was shaking, probably from the cold that had fallen onto the living room. Kai hadn't noticed that the room was getting colder earlier when he was watching TV, having been so focused on a documentary and so curled up on the warm sofa that he never really felt it.

Tala was a different story though. Despite his years in Russia his body was still so sensitive to the cold that stepping out onto the snow would probably paralyze him. Now with the many blood transfusions he'd went through within the past few days or so, his body was only more prone to the icy cold of the winter. After the eldest wrapped Tala up in some blankets and kept in a daze just lying there, he was left alone for about an hour; stuck staring pointlessly at the television were some TV show was stuck on mute. His arms and almost every muscle in his body were so overwrought that he couldn't move them far enough to reach the remote without hurting himself. He was quite enjoying the crisp warmth in between Kai's soft sofa and the wool blankets, then Kai walked back into the room and he could see just a slight flicker of concern shining beneath those usually stone-cold crimson eyes.

"I called Mr. Dickinson to ask when you should be going back to the hospital for a check-up and to remove the stitches," He instigated, sitting down on the coffee table and watching him, "he said he wouldn't know but that you probably would. I need to make an appointment; it's the holidays after all so looking for a doctor might be difficult."

Tala huffed and resisted the urge to roll over and risk hurting himself, "I need to have the stitches removed in a day to two days. I've got my medical file upstairs that I need to show to the doctor. Remind me?"

"Sure." He moved to sit on the sofa, closer to his friend, "As you probably remember, I really can't cook so we'll need to order-in for dinner, what do you want to eat?"

"I don't know, I'm not even hungry."

"You've got to be hungry, Tal, you didn't have dinner last night, no breakfast or lunch today either."

Tala sat up, pulling the long blankets over his shoulders and holding them tighter to him. "I just want to go to bed right now, Kai. I…"

"Tala, I already told you; I'm here so that _you_ could feel better. Only you know what's going to make you feel better and…stupidly enough I'm not going to stand in your way."

The younger found this attitude of his friend just a little surprising. He knew well enough that the attitude that Kai always had with him was much more different than that one that he used with his friends but still, this much kindness and cautiousness was new to him. Although, Tala couldn't quite say that this kindness or cautiousness was unwanted, in fact thinking that it was probably what he needed the most at the moment. Kai had tried his very best to be understanding, still Kai never went through the traumatic experience himself so he didn't know how Tala felt. He'd explained to Kai quite enough for the eldest to realize that Tala was not okay, and will in no way be okay for some time. After the breakdown, Tala couldn't help but feel that the bigger breakdown was a lot closer and had yet to arrive. Today at least.

The eldest guided him back to the bed and down onto it, briefly leaving his side to close the door again. As he stepped to the bed again he found the younger lying curled up on his side, unmoving. Suppressing a sigh he lay down behind him, gently encircling the slim waist and tugging him backwards a bit, and propping himself up on his elbow to get hold of the blanket and tug it up a bit.

Upon glancing down his heart sank painfully in his chest seeing mute tears streaming down from underneath the tightly shut eyelids and briefly, Kai closed his own up to the point of pain as well, brows furrowing into a sorrowful expression as he harshly bit down on his lip to suppress his own tears, the very air getting caught inside his ribcage in a hitch of a mute, dry, smothered sob. Silently breathing out deeply he bent down to brush his lips against the cheek of the younger once more before pillowing his head onto the cushion. Tugging the blanket up to cover both of them up to his face, his arm returned to its rightful place around Tala's slender waist, pressing his silently crying friend as close as it was humanly possible and stilling completely.

_**"When two people cry together for the first time they understand how much they love each other." – Emile Deschamps. **_

There was nothing he could do but be there and share the grief of his life-long friend trying to offer whatever support he was capable of giving. Even as hour after hour passed he knew Tala was crying still, despite that he never made a sound. Kai could simply feel it with every occasional, ever so slight tremble going through the lithe body in his hold causing him to tighten his grip time and time again to assure him he was right there with him, right there by his side. He wouldn't be leaving him alone, not now and not ever and together, they would manage to get over this trauma.

And even though he wasn't hearing any of it, just by the way of Kai's touches and the soft nuzzling of his nape every now and then Tala knew it all without a single spoken word. And he was glad, glad beyond imaginable having the elder here with him while trying to understand, work up and cope with the pain and horror experienced, knowing he would have never been able to do so on his own. The silent, bitter flow of his tears couldn't be stopped but the soothing presence of his beloved close to him was easing the agony and suffering considerably. What Boris had done to him…it all was far too much but now he was safe. He remembered; remembered resenting the hospital for informing Mr. Dickinson of what happened…resenting Mr. Dickinson himself for making Tala go to Japan to be with Kai where he'd be safe and cared for. Now he understood, he understood it all; he understood the good it had done to the whole of him. He had broken down about this incident before…every night in that hospital room, though each time all by himself. The worst part was that the nurses had noticed him crying, but with his silence, who could know for sure? Though, why didn't they check on him? Why didn't they offer words of comfort? Why didn't they do _anything_ for him?

Was needing help really as bad as he thought? As difficult as he thought? Had Boris been right when he said that all humans were heartless? If that were true, then why did Kai treat him so well? Why did Mr. Dickinson care for him as though he were his own child? Why were some people so hell bent on keeping him safe, yet there were so many out there that were more than willing to destroy him? That there were so many out there that would hold back care for someone in his situation? He knew he himself would not treat a person the way other people treated him but was that because he went through the experience itself? If he hadn't experienced it, would it have made him as heartless as anyone else? They say experiences entirely define who you are, is that true?

After more hours of lying that way, both fell into their deep sleeps. Tala seemed somewhat peaceful, while Kai was relatively uncomfortable in that position but just continued to sleep for a while longer. Awaking, it was about two in the morning, grumbling to himself that dinner was now out of the question for the both of them. There was no way Tala would be able to go back to sleep if he ate now and Kai was sure that the take out place had long closed. Looking at his friend's tear-stained expression for another time, he didn't have the heart to let go of him and go back to his own bedroom, instead just lying there and hoping he'd fall asleep again or that Tala would allow him to go to his room where he'd be more comfortable.

Kai even found his own care for his friend a little surprising. He didn't think he could ever be this caring for anyone but from the moment he got that phone call he was determined to be the best friend he could possibly be. His standard of being a best friend was what his own friend's taught him. It was time to push the life lessons that Boris had drilled into his brain aside. What that man had taught him was no longer going to be any part of him, especially when it came to Tala. If there had been anything that he knew he was going to do, it was that he couldn't mirror anything that Boris did; knowing well enough that whatever he did could either get Tala to trust him, or could get Tala to fear him, the latter being something he didn't wish to receive.

_**A/N: Second chapter of my new fic. I'm almost done with having written the whole story so updates should be quite frequent from now on. Please keep reviewing, letting me know what you think of my work. I'd really appreciate it. **_


	3. Cruel Mentalities

Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3**_

Many hours later, Tala began to stir from his deep sleep. Looking around the now-empty bedroom, watching some sunlight creep in beneath the curtains that Kai had closed. The sunlight touched his legs lightly, heating up and causing him to pull himself together to avoid the sting. He lay back against the headboard for a few minutes, watching the clock as minutes passed by. It was 11:35am already. He staggered out of bed, placing a hand to the stitches on his stomach as he tugged them when stretching. After taking a detour to the bathroom he walked down the stairs slowly, looking around for his friend and going to the kitchen. There was an older woman at the island counter, cooking something on the hot stove. It took him by surprise, there wasn't supposed to be anyone else in the house aside from him and Kai. He turned round hurriedly and stepped forward though bumping hard into his friend and almost falling over the coffee table if it weren't for the strong arm that caught him again.

"Don't sneak up on people like that." Tala rebuked rudely, breathing heavily as he stood up straight again.

Kai chuckled quietly, "How are you feeling?" he asked instead of answering to Tala's grumpy order.

"I was fine up until a minute ago." He seated himself on the coffee table, holding onto it by his sides, "Who is that in there? I thought we were going to be alone for the holidays."

Kai's eyebrows furrowed, murmuring "Who?" beneath his breath before catching sight of the woman in the kitchen, "Ah, her? She's the cook, she heard that you came to visit and offered to come in for a few more days. She doesn't see her family for about three days so she can afford to come in." he grabbed the boy's arm lightly, pulling him back up and holding onto him while he settled himself, "Come on, you need something to eat."

The youngest was set down at the kitchen table while Kai was at the cooker murmuring quiet orders to the cook. Tala was quite surprised that the food was on the table within minutes; probably more than his stomach could handle. On the other hand, he was still hungry and took just a bit of everything for the sake of trying something new.

"By the way," Kai paused in eating, putting down his slice of toast, "I made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning."

"You work fast." Tala murmured, exhaling as he grew uncomfortable at the thought of more hospital visits.

"It'll be fine; I've seen this doctor before. Just take that medical file you brought in from Russia and it'll be one quick check-up." When silence fell between them again Kai moved his fork around the different parts of his breakfast, focusing on it for a while, "Tal, about last night…"

"Kai." Tala whined, pain in his eyes as they drifted lightly to the side where the cook was cleaning up some pots and pans.

"Tala, she doesn't speak English; just Japanese." Kai informed him with a slight smirk, he grew more serious as Tala's silence beckoned him to continue what he was going to say before he'd interrupted him, "I just wanted to talk about that…breakdown, was that the first one since it all happened?"

"No." Tala murmured, breathless as he placed the fork back down onto his plate.

"So it's like a daily thing?" Kai asked hesitantly, staring up at his friend, "Like…if you don't let it out then you feel like you'll crack."

Tala tried to find the humor in Kai's tone, smiling at it, "Yeah, it's something like that."

Kai, trying to be as helpful as he could, tried to find something good to say about the whole ordeal. Obviously, what good could you say about a multiple rape and attempted murder? 'I'm glad you're alive' hardly seemed appropriate at a time like this, although he was quite thankful for that fact, in the least. Comparing a similar experience with his own, Kai found the one real brightside he could think of at a time like this. "I think that…if you're lucky in anyway, it's that you found something to help make you feel better. Maybe at the time you don't think so, but the breakdowns help you recover; at least you know how to help yourself. I didn't, and it made getting over things a lot more difficult."

"I know that Kai, but it just gets tough all at once."

"I know but, like I said Tal, I'll help you anyway I can; you just need to let me know how because…well I'm stupid like that, I don't know how to help people but I will help you if you just tell me how I can do that."

What could Tala really say to that? 'Thank you' would work just fine right about now but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to say it. Kai was never this compassionate with him before, and every single time he did something like this, something caring, something kind and gentle, it surprised him and stopped him dead in his tracks. The upside to having few emotions and for being so controlling over events and emotions was the fact that because of it they always dealt with each other in the same way. When things changed and stopped going by the way they were raised, the way they always remembered each other, it made it difficult to be able to act appropriately with each other when they didn't know what appropriate actually was.

In a few hours things were getting progressively better. After lunch Tala went upstairs to his bedroom, lying around in bed for a few minutes till he digested the amount of food he'd eaten and then went in to take a long warm shower. Usually something as simple as a shower wasn't so bad but even now, with stitches lining his whole stomach all the way to his hipbones he wasn't capable of standing in the shower for too long, not to mention being able to wash parts of him properly due to the stinging of the stitches or the annoyance of having to clean around them and over them without hurting himself.

After his shower he had intended on going back downstairs to talk to Kai but he'd heard his teammates arrive and Tala was in no way in the mood to let the whole conversation shift to him and his reasons for being back in Japan. It wasn't that he didn't want to be sociable, especially with his best friend's teammates but he just didn't want to have to answer any questions, moreover he didn't want to have to lie to such good people.

So instead of intruding on Kai's time with his friends, Tala tried to sleep. Sleeping soundly was a goal at a time like this. He couldn't bring his mind to stop thinking and going over memories, so to sleep soundly, to sleep without interferences was something he thrived for at a time like this. His mind was like clockwork, always working, always ticking, something always happening. He just wanted some time where he could stop all that. Usually people escaped to sleep and to their dreams to be able to accomplish that sense of liberty but to him it seemed like he couldn't find sanctuary in that either.

This time things got a bit better; his mind imposed less nightmares on him and thus made him feel a lot better and healthier when he awoke four hours later. There was nothing better than waking up feeling better than he had been earlier; it made him feel just a spark of hope.

That hope was there, that hope was as persistent as any other thought or feeling going on inside him. The next most persistent feeling was the more depressive one. When you go so long trying to shake off that feeling, it remains a difficult one.

Hours past, Tala stared out his window. He got bored, walking down the stairs silently and sitting down on a high step and occasionally peering in the direction of the chatter and laughter in the living room. He even occasionally heard Kai's own laughter. It made him happy and hopeful again. He always thought that Kai was always more worse off since the Abbey, he had the hardest time dealing with some trauma and so it made him keep to himself a lot more. He thought that if someone like Kai had managed to overcome so much and start over a life with all his friends then it made him feel like there was something out there left for him, he could someday get the same good.

Somebody was walking out of the living room, he could see the shadow. He turned slightly and pushed himself off the stairs to run back up quietly before anyone noticed. "Hey, Tala." A cheerful voice resonated through the hallway. He'd been caught. Tala turned to look down at the blonde, gripping the staircase tightly to ease his dizziness. "Why don't you come down here and stay with us? We're just talking…" he could see the boy's concern and his hesitance in what he was saying. He wasn't sure if the hesitance was from just asking him to go downstairs out of politeness, or if it was because he actually wanted him there. He wasn't going to take any chances.

"It's okay. Good night."

Max looked on after him, trying to shake it off before running to the door to get his soaked jacket like he'd intended. Going back into the living room he put the jacket by the fire to dry it up faster. "Tala was on the stairs." He announced quietly, sizing up Kai.

"What was he doing?" Tyson asked curiously, not seeing the real distress in the tone of the youngest.

"He was just sitting there." Max answered with a shrug, "He was trying to run back upstairs but I saw him."

Ray prolonged an exhale, turning his head to look at Kai by the fireplace, "Are you going to tell us why he's here, Kai? There's got to be a good reason for it… Tala wouldn't just show up here for nothing, he's not one to visit or go on holidays either."

The flames in the fireplace just continued to bathe the whole room in red and orange light. Kai's skin felt the blistering heat from where he sat and he took in the sight of the tall thick flames unblinkingly. He couldn't tell his friends to just ignore what Tala was going through when he himself couldn't ignore it. "I told you…He's just having a tough time."

"But Kai even..."

"You don't know what he's going through, Ray."

"We don't know because you won't tell us, Kai."

Kai exhaled shakily, opening his eyes to look at them, allowing them to see a bit of the dismay and concern in his own crimson eyes.

_**Nietzsche**__** once said, "When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."**_

"I'd accept your help in a heartbeat." He murmured shallowly beneath his breath.

Max got closer to Kai upon seeing that great amount of hurt; this was so much different from the hurt he'd seen in the past. This was watching his friend suffer, this was the pain that he was feeling towards Kai, because Kai was feeling this for Tala. He was scared, worried about him. "Then why can't we help?"

"I have no right to say anything, Max."

Ray and Tyson moved closer, Ray looking as hesitant as all of them in trying to find out what to do. "You don't want to tell us…because it'll be like betraying him, right?" Ray watched him nod in response, lips still sealed. "So…what if we guess? Then technically you haven't told us anything." He watched the blood practically pour right out of Kai's face, turning him as pale as a ghost when he realized he'd made a good point.

Tyson nodded at Ray's little philosophy, turning back to Kai, "So last we heard, Tala had moved in with a family in Russia after the Abbey shut down and Boris went to prison."

Max silently agreed, turning to look at Kai, "Did someone in that house pass away or something? Someone he got close to?" There was no change in Kai's features.

"Is he missing someone from the Abbey days? Like Bryan…or Spencer?" Ray noticed Kai's flinch at the first name, "Did something happen to Bryan?"

Kai shut his eyes tight, he felt like he was being grilled painfully. His teeth ground together as he tried to compose himself, not relaxing and answering through gritted teeth, "Bryan passed away three months ago; clinical death, he went to bed feeling sick, never woke up."

Max saddened by Kai's side, the eldest squeezing his arm so that he hopefully didn't have to watch the youngest cry at their loss, "That's why Tala's upset? He misses Bryan?"

Kai groaned as he tilted his head to the side, nodding somewhat. Over the past year he'd grown a great distaste for lying to his small group of friends. This diffident nod indicated that that wasn't the only thing.

"So what else happened?" Tyson asked, curiosity clouding his remembrance that this was meant to play out like a guessing game.

"Did someone in that house abuse him?" Ray tried, now also more curious about what else was going on that they didn't know about. Kai shook his head though. "Then what is it, Kai?" again Kai said absolutely nothing, refusing to give in to the temptation and want to have them try to help him in cheering up his distraught and traumatized best friend.

"Did…" Max took a deep breath, not wanting to open any books for Kai in the process of trying to discover what was wrong with the other Russian. "Was it Boris? Did Boris find a way to hurt Tala again? The person that hurt you the most was Boris…so I thought that maybe Boris did something to him…"

Kai pointed lightly to Max to indicate that he'd gotten some part of it right, then getting up and walking to the other end of the room. "No more guessing." He turned back to them, fists tightening by his sides.

_**--Later--**_

Kai was on his way to bed, having thought that Tala would already be sleeping as it was well close to midnight. Though walking down the hall, he caught a glimpse of a tiny dim light under the door of Tala's bedroom. He pushed open the door quietly; the bedroom was in complete darkness save for the small lap at the back of the room next to the bathroom door. Pushing open the bathroom door, peaking inside, he found Tala coughing over the bathroom sink, holding it tightly in case his shaking legs gave way. As Kai got closer to hold onto the trembling figure, he got to take a better look at the crimson liquid curling over Tala's lips and onto the pristine white sink, the redhead's face contorted in so much anguish.

Kai put down the toilet seat, grabbing Tala lightly and pulling him away from the sink and setting him down on the closed toilet. He rubbed his back lightly as he continued to cough into his hand, Kai passing him some tissues and waiting for him to settle down. "What happened?" Kai asked, sitting on the side of the bath and handing Tala more tissues to wipe off the blood.

"I don't know," Tala murmured softly, a little confused as he stared while wiping the red blood off his white hand, "I guess I choked, started coughing and then blood started coming up."

Kai took a look at the blood still spilt over the white sink, hitting the faucet to wash it off, "You probably just grazed your throat and it brought up blood. Just keep drinking enough water to clean it out."

Tala exhaled sleepily, brushing his hands over his sweaty face, "I need another shower." His eyes practically rolled in his head with the mixture of exhaustion, dizziness and heat from the steamy room. He'd seemingly just finished up on another shower, something Kai had noted the moment he'd entered the bedroom.

"You just had a shower, Tal."

Tala got up and started pushing Kai out of the bathroom, ready to shut the door behind him, "Well I need another one." He whispered, bitterness in his cracking voice.

Kai got literally kicked out of the bathroom, leaving him to stand and stare around the room for a few moments. He heard the water running only moments later, making him leave the bedroom and go to his own to change for bed. Tossing the day's clothing into the laundry basket, he went back to Tala's bedroom, still hearing the water running behind the door. He took an extra trip down to the study, rummaging through some cupboards before leaving with a large empty book; looking through it, it was merely lined pages on one side, and blank white pages on the other. It was perfect for its use. He put it down on the desk in Tala's bedroom, putting a pen and pencil just beside it before going to sit at the foot of the bed. The water was still running and Kai grew more worried by the minute, wondering if Tala had hurt himself or something of the sort.

That thought was quickly discarded because the water stopped a few moments later. He continued to sit around the bedroom, looking around as though waiting for something of interest to show up. Fifteen minutes of waiting got Tala out of the bathroom, fully clothed again and towel drying his hair. "What are you doing here?" the redhead asked him, a little upset that Kai was still around.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright before I went to bed."

"Did you want to tuck me in too?" Tala asked while rolling his eyes, settling himself back down on the bed.

"What the hell is with you? Maybe it _is_ hard to believe but you should know by now that I'm worried about you." He exhaled and bit his lip once he realized that his yelling was making things between them no better. He got back up, placing his hand on the book that he'd left on the desk, sure that Tala could see it from his position on the bed, "Writing things down helped me get through everything I was going through; give it a try, it might help you."

"Thanks." He tossed the towel to the other side of the room, patting his sweaty face lightly.

"What's with your hands?" Kai asked curiously, seeing the redness of the back of Tala's hands peeking from under the long sleeved t-shirt. He moved closer to him, gently picking up on of Tala's hands and pulling up the sleeve, seeing the red skin with some white and dark red drag marks. They seemed as though a luffa or a sponge was dragged down against the skin with immense pressure. He would've inspected it further, and higher up along the boy's arms, since he was sure the injury furthered to his shoulders, but the youngest pulled his arm right out of Kai's hold. "Lighten up on the showers, Tal, and don't continue with this self-punishment. You're being too hard on yourself."

'_Or not hard enough.' _Tala thought to himself. "I don't think I can do this anymore, Kai." He admitted dejectedly, looking up with dead eyes at his friend.

"Try your best, Tal." Kai said determinedly as he walked to the door, grabbing the handle and turning to his friend, "You're strong now, you can do it if you tried your hardest. Good night."

_**Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "**__**You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face; you must do the thing you think you cannot do."**_

Tala shrunk beneath the covers a moment after Kai left him alone, allowing him to drench himself into the many soft pillows and blankets that covered the large white bed. He reached out with his sore arm, tugging on the string to shut the light of the lampshade off and curling his body beneath the sheets again.

Again, the words that Kai had once spoken to him rang hope into his abused heart, though leaving more room in his mind for nightmares to plague him. With little left to really do, he pulled his arms over his head, wishing the whispering thoughts would just shut up and leave him alone to get his rest. He didn't want to hear anything else. No bad words. No good words. Lastly, even the good words would betray him and cause his mind, heart and body more grief then he could possibly handle as things were. He, in no way, needed or could allow things to get any worse than they already were.

_**Sir **__**Peter Ustinov**__** said, "Unfortunately, a super abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares."**_

Even after countless times of adjusting the pillows beneath his bruised and battered form, he still couldn't make himself comfortable enough to fall asleep. His body was aching everywhere and yet he still insisted on not taking the painkillers that the doctor had given him to take. As far as Kai knew, the doctors gave him nothing, which means there was no way he could convince him to take any of them. Sleeping was impossible, there were moments his body was just trembling from uncontrollable pain.

His body had grown to be frail, sensitive, easily bruised and broken. How was his strength so useless in the times when he needed it the most? Worst of all, he wondered why such bodily harm was not improving. Why was he not getting better? Was something else wrong with him? Did he do something to really deserve the permanent abuse on his body, or was this really the way things were meant to go? Was it normal, and he just didn't know it? He placed his hands to his stomach, feeling the bulging stitches through the thick t-shirt he was sleeping with, fingers ghosting over each and every stitch that covered his body. From the ones that went across his stomach, to the four on his thigh and shuddering at the feeling of his own hand on his own thigh. Tugging the sleeves of his t-shirt up, running his hands over the arms he knew were still red and burning with soreness, all amidst the darkness of the bedroom, no trace of light to be found. He felt filthy, like that was the only thing that became him. Filth. He was dirty again, so he thought. He remembered everything as though it had been burnt into him, the memories, the feelings of those hands against his skin, the heated flesh against his own trembling body.

Thinking the reason that he couldn't sleep was because of this thought, he got up and went to the bathroom, showering in the darkness so he wouldn't be able to see anymore soreness, anymore stitches, anymore bruises. Still, it was as though he could see them. Like the images of his abused body had scarred their way into his mind and they were unforgettable. The sight of them was stuck with him, despite the darkness.

His mind continued to play over the events though, each and every little moment that he had endured. From being taken away from the people he cared about, to being violated, to almost dying, the thought of that white light that he'd been so frightened of, to those people in the hospital that tried to help him but only made him feel worse.

And sometimes he didn't even see things as they'd actually happened from his point of view. Sometimes it changed point of views. Sometimes it was in his position, where he felt all the pain, sometimes he was his rapist, watching as the victim was torn apart physically and emotionally. Sometimes it seemed like he was some innocent bystander, watching from a distance as this all happened. Yet, still, doing absolutely nothing about it. Nothing to help. Nothing to ease the pain. Regardless of what position he was in, all he thought was 'filthy' and 'dirty' or 'disgusting'. At other times it was like he could hear his own screams from such a distance, but moving towards them would've proved painful so instead he lay around, listening to his own screams of pain echo throughout his mind. The words continued to play on in his head, over and over and over again, making him sick to his stomach.

_**Robert Oxton Bolt**__** once wrote, "A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind."**_

Unconsciously, at times in his sleep he'd put his hand up his shirt just slightly, pressing his hand onto his abdomen as he still felt the pain inside of him, as though it was still there. The feeling, the thought, it all caused him to sob profoundly in his sleep. Even in his sleep he could feel every single infliction on his body. There was no way of stopping it and the whole time the only words that flooded his mind, were insults towards his body, towards his soul.

Were there chances that he could feel more disgusting? Probably not. The person who had beaten his spirit down for years, who had destroyed his childhood, had now taken the thing he'd held closest to him. He'd forced himself on him, and now there wasn't a single part of his body that hadn't been marred by the heartbreaking wounds. From the pale bruise on his cheek, the cut in his hairline, the bruises and cuts on his arms, the deep stitched up wounds on his stomach and thigh. He was sick to his stomach, _always_ sick to his stomach with the thought that somebody, the person he hated the most, had done _that_ to him.

That…that was something supposed to be shared between two people who loved each other. It wasn't supposed to be an act of hate, it wasn't supposed to be an act of revenge, it wasn't supposed to be something you hurt someone with! It wasn't supposed to be something that someone just _takes_ from you!

_**Rape is loss. Like death, it is best treated with a period of mourning and grief. We should develop social ceremonies for rape, rituals, that, like funerals and wakes, would allow the mourners to recover the spirits that the rapist, like death, steals. The social community is the appropriate center for the restoration of spirit, but the rape victim is usually shamed into silence or self-imposed isolation. - Researcher Metzger, American Journal of Psychiatry.**_

_**A/N: Another dear chapter. Sorry that this took so long but I was away for the weekend at my dad's place and didn't use the laptop there because I've been busy. I hope you all liked this chapter. The sadness factor will go up a little later as you'll probably see. Please leave a review and let me know what you think of the story so far. Thanks for reading! **_


	4. The External

Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

The next morning Tala had woken up relatively early. It was about 8:55 when he opened his eyes, and 9:15 when he chose to finally get out of bed. The filth continued to plague his mind, making him think that it still covered his whole body. He passed the next few hours by sitting alone in his room. Kai probably thought he was still asleep, so best keep the suspicions that way. He wasn't all that hungry either, and if he went back downstairs then he'd be made to eat breakfast, something his mind and stomach couldn't handle in the slightest.

So to pass the hours, he sat at his desk, fidgeting with whatever he'd put on there. One of many things, a smashed cell-phone. It had been smashed long before he arrived in Japan, but still, he chose to keep it for memories-sake. The real reason he'd smashed it…what use was it to him when the only person that called him on it at all hours of the day and night had died? Maybe in the end smashing it hadn't done him much good. It just brought him a lot closer to Bryan than he'd liked to be.

The reason Boris went after him…the incentive that brought Boris to escape and go after Tala was Bryan's death. The moment he heard of it, he knew that Tala was now unsafe, unguarded, vulnerable. Having smashed the phone prior to the attack, there was nothing Tala could do to save himself. His brightside to that was that was that he'd be with Bryan again. His true best friend.

In the end he was left alive…more like found alive, since Boris had had no real intention of leaving Tala alive in the first place. So it left him feeling alone again, with Bryan only being at the back of his mind now. He'd promised Bryan he'd try his best no matter what but he couldn't shake off the pain, he couldn't pretend things weren't bothering him, they were playing on his mind far too much. His fingers continued to pick at the little parts of his phone, small springs and tiny green computerized chips. Temporarily losing interest in the phone, he picked up a pencil, most likely Kai having put it there with the book, as he was sure it hadn't been there before.

As the minutes flew by and the pencil played through each of his fingers, Tala found the compulsion to actually put the pencil tip to paper. Not writing, rather, drawing. The one thing on his mind was his phone, so he drew that. As perfectly as it was in front of him, each piece of it lying in the exact position, with the same pieces hanging out of it. Having watched his picture come together, he'd actually forgotten that long ago, he'd had a talent for drawing. He'd assumed that that talent had worn out, or disappeared over the years of never practicing it, but it seemed as though a talent like that just doesn't disappear, no matter how much practice you really get.

10:30 hit, and there was a soft knock on his bedroom door. Bringing him to drop the pencil on the ground and shut the book hurriedly. He in no way wanted Kai to know he was using the book just yet. "Come in." his voice cracked immensely at that; not enough water, but just stickiness in the back of his throat from the cut he'd obtained the night before.

Kai opened the door slowly, not stepping inside but just holding onto the door, "Doctor's appointment is in an hour." He informed him, then eyeing him upon realizing Tala had already showered and changed, "If you were awake why didn't you come downstairs?" he asked, confusion actually being heard. He watched the redhead shrug, then turning back to staring at his hand on the desk, "Well just be downstairs in three quarters of an hour, and don't forget the medical file." Tala nodded in understanding, so Kai just left without any other words. If Tala wanted to be alone for a while, he was he to stop him?

Being reminded of the doctors appointment resurfaced an awful nervous butterfly feeling in the depths of his stomach, leaving him more upset than when he woke up that morning. He searched the bedroom and his two backpacks for that medical file he kept saying he had, worried that he may have left it behind somewhere in Russia, internally yelling at himself and calling himself a 'scatterbrain' and such names. He finally found it, putting it aside on the desk before going back to sketching whatever thought came to mind.

He tried to control what he thought, and what he drew, a little more; fearing the idea that he'd draw something that he'd regret or something if ever found. Not being able to control his thoughts, he drew whatever came to mind, whatever needed to be released onto that white piece of paper, but then, every time, tearing the page up into millions of pieces.

Understandably, every time he tore a page up, he felt himself break just a bit more on the inside. It made sense, because it was like discarding his own feelings, making them feel unimportant. Though more visibly, it was like an artist purposely destroying his best work every time he finished something he was proud of. He made sure that each picture was no longer identifiable, tearing it up into pieces of about two centimeters each.

The time to meet Kai by the door had arrived and he left his room rather fast-paced, preparing himself to get the whole day over with. Kai wasn't by the front door yet, so Tala just took a seat in the same chair he'd been in when he'd first arrived at the mansion again. He waited there, zoning in and out from his deep thoughts. Kai was in the hallway after a few more minutes, tugging on his jacket, "Did you get the file?" He heard Tala curse rudely in Russian, ready to push himself up from the chair, "It's okay, I'll go get it. Where'd you put it?"

"You won't find it; I'll go get it." Tala dragged himself back up the stairs, breathing heavily. He hadn't really been worried that Kai wouldn't find the file, but he wanted to give the eldest no chance at reading that file. It was bad enough that Kai knew what happened to him, he didn't need to know the details of the state his body was in. "Got it." He sighed, walking back down the stairs slowly, holding tight onto the banister.

Once he got to the bottom, an arm gently placed a jacket over his shoulders, "You'll freeze without it." Kai murmured, guiding Tala to the front door. Even with the heater on in the car on the way to the hospital, Tala's lips had gone blue from the cold, quite thankful that the examination room was toasty warm. Kai stood outside the room, pacing and sitting around waiting for Tala to be ready. The nurse had told him he couldn't go in with him, and he had to accept that Tala didn't want him in there either, for understandable privacy reasons.

Finally, having seen the doctor leave, he assumed it was alright to go in, finding Tala trying to button up his shirt. Kai caught sight of the stitches still snaking their way down Tala's slender muscular stomach, "You still haven't removed the stitches?"

"They didn't heal…at all for that matter." Tala retorted, tugging the rest of his clothing onto his body before he froze. "If it makes you feel any better though, you were right about the cut in my throat; that's where the blood was coming from."

Kai said nothing to that; how was he being right about something like that supposed to be at all comforting? Did Tala really think he was shallow enough to have needed that to make him feel better? They decided not to take such a quick trip home, Kai insisting that they go to the cafeteria to get some coffee till the storm outside died down just a little bit. Tala was desperate to get home though, hurrying back into the car and to the living room where he could sit down and wait for his dizziness of the day's events to subside.

In the meantime, Kai walked around the study unhappily, tossing files and papers into different piles. He used the holidays as an excuse to clean out some junk from the times when his grandfather had ruled the mansion, and was planning on ruling more than that. He'd heard a loud thump from another room. It sounded like something heavy had fallen. Slightly concerned, Kai hurried through the hall and to the living room and noticed Tala leaning against the back of an armchair. His right hand holding him up and his left holding his head. Walking closer, he put his arm on Tala's back. "Hey…what happened? You okay?"

Startling Tala once again, he pulled back slightly when the redhead jumped at his touch. "Uh…yeah. I just…I…tripped." Tala stuttered.

"On what?" Kai started looking around the floor for what he could have tripped on. But there were no obstacles in sight.

"On…the corner of the couch. I went to walk around it but I…I tripped. I cut the corner a bit too quick. Just clumsy me…what else is new."

"I don't ever remember you being that clumsy but…whatever you say. Did you hit your head? You were holding it. Are you alright?" Kai started grabbing his head carefully. Sure he was still worried, but at least Tala wasn't bawling like he was the other night.

"I'm fine. I just couldn't believe I fell, that's all. Stupid me."

"I thought you said you were clumsy? Shouldn't have been _that_ unbelievable, right? And don't call yourself stupid. Don't cut yourself down like that." Kai said as he stopped his examination of Tala's head. "Well, I don't feel any bumps."

"I told you, I'm fine."

"Yes," Kai nodded, "well, I wasn't certain about that; there's nothing wrong with double checking." He set the boy back down on the sofa where he was sure no harm could come to him just yet, "The team want to go out tomorrow, we want to go get lunch, coffee and maybe walk around some stores or something; their idea not mine." Tala continued to stare at Kai blankly, waiting for him to get to the point of his little story. "I need you to come with us."

"What?" Tala bit out, shocked, "Why?"

He knew he was going to be unreasonable, sighing, "Because I don't want to leave you here alone and I think that even just a bit of socializing will do you some good. You don't want to be around other people right now but just a few hours won't hurt you."

"They're your friends, Kai. Not mine."

"But they want to be your friends too. Maybe I'm being a hypocrite telling _you_ to try to make more friends, and maybe I'm going back on a lot of things I say about them but they _are_ good people and getting to know them will do you good."

"I don't want to, Kai. I'll be fine here alone."

Kai shook his head with insistence, they were both far too stubborn, "You need to come out with us; you need fresh air, you need to get out, you need to make conversation other than with yourself, Wolborg or me." He hit Tala's thigh lightly to get his attention again, "You're coming with us because I think you need it. Try it out, if you can't handle it then we'll come right home but you're not going to sit here by yourself and wallow in your pain."

"Great, so I'm going to stand outside to wallow in my pain." Tala grumbled, quiet enough for his older friend to not have heard him.

"Go to sleep." Kai ordered, helping Tala back off the sofa, "You're still tired; you probably went to bed late and woke up early by the looks of it. If you get hungry, come downstairs and we'll find something."

Tala continued to grumble and mumble terrible Russian obscenities all the way up the stairs, continuing while he looked for some clean clothes to wear, then undressing and stepping into the shower. Standing under the warm spray he enjoyed the comforting effect it had on his sore and torn up muscles and skin. Some of the wounds sent a pinching pain through him but it wasn't something he couldn't shake off. Even though he was done with his shower, he didn't want to step out of it. The water of just the right temperature felt so good to him, it felt foreign to the way he felt when he wasn't there.

As tempting as it was for him to either drown, or just fall asleep in the shower, the water was starting to turn cold and he needed to get into bed before his shaking legs gave way and he collapsed in the shower. By the time he was out of the shower his legs really were close to lifeless, making walking to and getting into bed feel uncomfortable and sluggish. He lay in bed for three hours, willing his body into a deep sleep for the whole time before it finally co-operated.

_**--Next Morning--**_

He spent the morning sleeping for a great amount of time, then merely having another long shower till the tank ran out of warm water and then just sitting around the desk and sketching whatever horrific pictures came to mind. He repeated the same pattern as yesterday, refusing to pull himself out of this peaceful pattern. That's what he needed; a pattern, a schedule. He never would've gotten raped and tortured if he had just kept to his schedule. "I'll be okay." He repeated quietly like a mantra.

At about 1:20 they left from the mansion, Kai practically scolding Tala the whole way that he should be good and kind with his friends and try to relax. Being seated in the restaurant, Kai was the first to decide what he wanted to eat; not being picky. Tyson decided second, mostly because he'd agreed he just wanted everything on the menu rather than to pick and choose. Max and Ray quickly followed with their orders but it just left Tala gazing at the menu uncertainly. Most of the stuff on the menu were Japanese dishes, so how was he supposed to know what he liked?

"Know what you want yet?" Kai quietly asked him after a few minutes.

"No…" Tala murmured, still uncertain, "Just call her over, and take my order last." His mind went into order drive as they had ordered quickly, all being increasingly hungry and desperate for a warm meal. He chose spicy noodles in the end; not even sure if he'd like them, but mumbling to Kai not to make a big deal if he didn't eat, and he'd just eat something else when he got home.

Tala felt relieved that he had found, what he thought, was a decent meal. It turned out he quite liked what he was given.

Conversation at the table had been light at first but quickly got louder and heated up, as most conversations do when the whole team is together, he assumed. Tala was barely paying any attention though, and mainly sat; stirring his noodles in circles and taking a bit every so often. It wasn't until after they were done eating that he remembered they were probably going to go shopping when they were all done with their choices of desert.

"Well, that leaves Kai and Tala." Tyson said, looking at the two mentioned, the sound of his name snapping the redhead straight out of his thoughts.

"We don't have any plans. Sure." Kai said, giving Tala a light glare out of the corner of his eye when Tala looked like he wanted to protest immediately. They were asking him what he wanted after all; yet Kai seemed to have taken it upon himself to decide for him.

Tala just kept standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, not saying a word. His mind was still on his lunch…and how much of it he already had digested and the aching it was giving his sensitive stomach.

A couple hours had passed and the five were still shopping, well, three were shopping, one was looking around with no real interest and the other kept his eyes well-trained on the floor. They had gone in and out of various accessory shops, multiple clothing stores, a toy store for the kicks, and a few other random shops that they were just curious about. They were all currently in another clothing store.

Tala had been rather quiet all afternoon, not even bothering to look at the clothes or try any on, even though in the back of his mind he knew he should've gotten some more clothes, as he had far too little which he'd had in Russia. He had kept mostly to himself; tagging along behind Kai, but never leaving him.

"Hey Tal…you alright?" he asked quietly, walking over to a seat in the middle of the store. Tala just nodded his head and turned a little away from Kai. "You've been awfully quiet and rather distant, and more than me, and more than usual." Tala shrugged his shoulders, still looking away.

"Tal," Kai silently addressed him, "What's wrong?"

Kai knew that something was obviously bothering Tala. He was actually getting concerned, growing more concerned by the passing moments. Tala wasn't the most talkative guy, hell neither was he, but he was never_ this_ silent and cold.

When Tala didn't answer him, Kai kneeled down in front of his friend; trying to look at his face to see if maybe he could find out the problem. But what he saw wasn't what he expected. "Tala…" he said, brows furrowing together. "Tala, what's wrong?" he asked, clearly concerned now that he saw the tears running down his face. He just tried to look away from Kai and sniffed; putting his hand on his face to wipe the tears and holding his hand over his mouth. "Sweetie, come on! Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Kai pleaded with him.

Still, he said nothing. He just sat there, slowly nodding his head back and forth.

"Hey Kai do you…is he okay?" Max asked, coming up behind Kai. He was going to ask his opinion on a t-shirt he was trying on but was quite startled and worried about the scene he came upon.

Kai had turned to him, shrugged his shoulders while looking up at Kai with the concern brimming again, and then looked back at Tala; rubbing his friend's knees with his hands in soft circles.

"Tal…" Kai quietly said.

"I just don't feel too good, okay?" Tala whispered, realizing how much attention he was gaining and wanting to take it off him completely.

"Do you want to go home? We could leave now if you want; it's fine with me."

"No, you're having a good time with your friends. I don't want to ruin that for you."

"I don't mind leaving. If you're not feeling good I'm going to be worried about you. Come on, we'll go back home." Kai said, standing up and holding out his hand.

"No I don't…I just…I don't know." Tala said, as his shoulders started moving slightly as he choked on a sob.

"Go ahead on home, Tala. If you weren't feeling good you should have said something." Max said softly, hoping that Tala would hear his friendly tone and take his advice.

"But I don't want you mad at me for it."

"I won't be mad. I'm more concerned about your well being than shopping."

Tala slowly stood up and wiped his face one last time, pushing his hair away from his face, his cheeks were visibly flushed; mostly from the embarrassment of having broken down in a public place, in front of Kai's friend no less.

"I'll just go home by myself. You stay here and continue shopping with your friends."

"If you're sick then I'll come with you." Kai insisted quietly.

"No…no. It's fine. I just want to be by myself for a while, okay?"

"You sure?" Kai asked, just a little bit skeptical. There was no way that Tala really wanted to be by himself at a time like this. He was breaking, he needed someone, something.

"Yeah, I just want to go home for a while, by myself."

"Okay…if that's what you want." Kai pulled his keys out of his pocket, breaking the hold on part of the lock and taking off one of the smallest keys but giving Tala the bunch.

"Yeah…." He took the keys, relieved and turning to leave. He suddenly stopped though and turned back around. "Thanks, Kai." He took a deep shaky breath, a tiny smile and turned around and continued to walk off.

Max plucked the small lone key out of Kai's hand, "What's this of, Kai?"

"The medicine cabinet." Kai replied, taking the key back and burying it in his trousers pocket.

Max's head shot to the side at the sound of that grumbled reply, "What? You…you think he…might…?" he couldn't even find his words, Tala seemed so nice, like such a kind person at heart, he didn't want to see anything bad happen to him.

"I know that he doesn't have a high threshold for pain…he never did so if he did anything…"

"Then it'd have to be done painlessly, right?" Ray finished, showing up beside him. "You don't think he can handle what he's going through?"

"I _do_ think he could handle it; but right now he doesn't want to handle it, he wants to just let it go, he wants it away from him, he wants the memories to go away but he's not willing to work at it to get rid of them."

Ray reached out to Kai, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. Kai looked at him confusedly, then just watching him nod supportively while in the back of his mind Kai desperately hoped that Tala would be okay.

_**A/N: So a lot of people seemed to have been pleased with this story, at least people seem to be enjoying it, especially since I've been getting PMs asking for it to be updated so here's another chapter. This story has maybe one or two more chapters left; I know, its short but this is how much I had planned and hopefully no one will be disappointed with the ending. **_

_**You've all been really happy with the quotes that I enter in parts of the fic and I'm glad people have picked up on them. I really wanted to put those in there to really give people something to think about, and to just put a basis of something; for people to understand where the feelings of the writing are coming from. As loved as these quotes were, they didn't make any appearance in this chapter because this chapter was more about the external things, rather than a persons real feelings but next chapter will have more for sure because it will be deeper. **_

_**Please leave a review to let me know what you think. Feedback is by all means welcome. **_


	5. Confessions

A/N: Angst

_**A/N: Angst. Possibly triggering to some people, just warning you. Watch Out.**_

_**Chapter 5**_

An hour later they were all on their way back to the mansion, Kai having finally agreed to let the team closer to Tala. They got to Tala's bedroom but he wasn't in there, hearing the water from the shower running loudly through the door so they sat around his bedroom, waiting for him to come back out so that they could just chat or something.

There was a loud thumping sound all of a sudden, all eyes turning towards the bathroom door. Max glanced at Kai's pained expression, "Maybe he just slipped or something."

Kai stood up hurriedly, even at that, and ran over to the bathroom door, "Tala?" No reply. At all. Just pure silence. Why was there such an aching in his heart that told him that something here was terribly wrong? He opened the door slowly and stepped inside, pushing the door closed slightly behind him, keeping it open ajar.

_**死の意味を考えたことがある**__**?**_

_**Shi no imi wo kangaeta koto ga aru?**_

_**生活の意味**__**? **_

_**Seikatsu no imi?**_

_**愛の意味**__**? **_

_**Ai no imi?**_

_**Have you ever thought about the meaning of death?**_

…_**the meaning of life?**_

…_**the meaning of love?**_

The scent of blood hits him hard suddenly, making him feel as though he were going to vomit. He stumbled over towards the open toilet and did exactly that when the realization and big question hit him, was Tala dead? Was he bleeding? These thoughts and future ones continued to rush through his head as he wiped off his mouth and stepped closer to the bath which was covered by the shower curtain. The adrenaline was rushing through his whole body, yet he couldn't find the courage to open the curtain, the smell was so thick.

"Tala?" he stood in front of the curtain, thinking about the man in question and thinking about how he'd never want to lose him. He pushed aside the curtain slowly, breath getting caught in the back of his throat and suffocating him because, hoping he was wrong, Tala was lying there, blood pouring out of him. "Call an ambulance!" Kai yelled, stepping closer to the bathtub and falling in front of it.

"What's going on?!" Ray came running through the bathroom door, catching sight of the elder boy trying to pull Tala out of the bathtub, drenching the ground in bright red blood.

"Just call a damn ambulance." He set the boy down on the ground, pulling a towel over him. He felt his neck for a heartbeat almost immediately, there's only a small pulsing feeling, placing his hand over his mouth to feel his warm breath, only feeling a little tickle of it. "Tala…" he bit his lip, unsure of what to do, "Damn it Tala, what the hell did you do?"

Ray ran into the bathroom again just a moment later, moving to turn the water off, when catching sight of the last thing he'd wanted to see, "Kai, there's a knife in the tub."

Kai ignored his statement, he'd already guessed. He pulled Tala into his lap; his skin was ice cold, literally frozen, turning purple. Ray moved over to him with a few towels, beginning to dry Tala off and wrapping towels around his waist where the blood was seemingly coming from underneath him. Even Kai came close to crying, tears formed at the corner of his eyes. Had he never felt the kind of pain of losing his best friend? He pressed his forehead to Tala's, but Tala's head hit him back. "Tala," he began, turning his head back to him after he turned to look away. "What did you do this for? I told you to be strong."

"I…can't…sorry, Kai."

"They'll be here soon," Tyson assured Kai from behind him.

Tala tried to draw himself closer to the warmth, moving in Kai's direction and trying to bring him closer, breathing shallowly against Kai's t-shirt. "I want…to be near Bry…" he scrunched his eyes shut, "It was my fault…"

"What? Bryan…dying? It's not…You heard the doctors."

"It is…" he insisted weakly, "He said…he wasn't feeling well…he was…always in pain…he went to bed, I was going to go with him…to keep an eye on him. He insisted…he was fine so…I didn't …bother." He broke out into sobs from then on and Kai knew that saying anything would be unreasonable so he just continued to hold him, occasionally looking down to where Ray was putting pressure on Tala's abdomen till the ambulance arrived.

_**--Later--**_

Six hours later and none of the team had seen any of the doctors or nurses that had disappeared with Kai's oldest friend. Kai was beginning to assume the worst, thinking that the doctors were trying to find away to tell him that Tala was either dead or there was so much damage that things would never be the same. Despite this, his front remained normal, composed and calm.

Max was still shaking with nerves right beside Kai, occasionally leaning against him to show him that he was as worried as Kai secretly was. Tyson was completely silent, sitting next to Max and trying to hold back his frustration of not knowing what was going on. Ray…Ray had it hardest at the time, he couldn't help but not stare at the light red stains on his hands. He'd gotten to the hospital, gone to the bathroom to wash it off, and even got a nurse to give him something stronger but it wouldn't all come off. It made him feel like he was now a part of what had happened.

Now they all felt like they were a part of the incident but none of them had the heart to bring it up for Kai, they couldn't break the silence and asked him what would bring Tala to do this…what happened that would get him to resort to this? They all took their guesses, they'd found the source of the blood. There were no more fresh visible marks on Tala's body but when Ray had been putting pressure on his stomach he found that the wound on his abdomen wasn't the only one. All the blood was pouring from beneath him, from that entrance of more than one meaning.

Maybe…maybe Tala hadn't meant to kill himself, maybe he just wanted to punish himself, or cleanse himself. All these were things done in the past as a response to the psychological trauma of getting raped.

"_**There is no refuge from confession but suicide; and suicide is confession." - **__**Daniel Webster**__**.**_

The head nurse showed up a while later, Kai walking up to her quite quickly and acting as though he'd already known her. "When we first heard the address and that it may've been a suicide attempt, we immediately thought it was going to be you this time, Kai."

Kai exhaled softly, this was no time for comments like that. "How is he?" she shifted uncomfortably in front of him and he panicked just a little bit more on the inside, his forearms that were still crossed firmly across his chest could feel his heart beating solidly against his ribcage. "Did he…?"

"No, no, of course not." She exhaled, showing him the clipboard she had in hand, "He's in a weak state. He had wounds from the attack that included bruised ribs, a total of twenty stitches on the torso, a few more on his thigh, bruises and some swelling. Now, he tore his insides quite enough to do damage."

"But he'll be alright?"

Again, she shifted uncomfortably, not quite sure how to deal with such a touchy subject, "He _will_ be alright. _But_ he tried to numb the pain by taking certain prescribed medication; so unless we pump his stomach, we can't give him any morphine to ease the pain. Pumping his stomach at a time like this would be torture on a body this frail."

"Can I…?"

"Not just yet," She cut him off, smiling sweetly as she continued, placing a hand on his forearm, "He's still unconscious, he must rest. You must too; you know your body doesn't react well to stress."

Kai shook her off, shaking his head, "No, I'll be fine." He sounded soft with her, and she was mother-like to him and he appreciated that. She'd clearly dealt with a number of his hospital visits, he was thankful that Tala was now in good hands. "I…need to explain everything to the vultures back there. They're involved now."

"That they are." She agreed, "I should go, I'll call you at home when you could come to visit."

"No…I'm staying here." Kai turned and walked away from her, making sure that she saw the determination in his eyes, thus leaving her with no chance to argue with him.

"Kai?" Tyson murmured as the boy sat down beside him, "What happened? Is Tala okay?"

Kai exhaled, keeping his eyes closed, "He will be."

"Can you…tell us now? Everything?" Max was just as gentle in his tone, he wanted there to be no reason for Kai to feel uncomfortable about it. "We're worried…"

"And now we want to be able to help." Ray finished for him, in a tone a lot stronger than the younger's shy one.

Kai took a deep breath, trying to calm all the nerves inside his body and keep up the calm front. "Bryan was the person that always protected Tala; there were times when not even I protected him, but Bryan always did. He'd take anything for punishment as long as Tala was safe. Because of that, even Boris was limited on what he could do to Tala. The moment he found out that Bryan had died, and that Tala would be unprotected, he went after him."

"But he was in prison, wasn't he?" Tyson had held up to the whole story until that point, since the last the whole team had heard, Boris was behind bars along with Kai's grandfather.

Kai gave him a light glare, wishing he wouldn't interrupt him and make telling this story any harder than it already was. "There was going to be a second court hearing or something, so he was allowed out; he got out about two weeks after Bryan passed away. He stalked Tala for…as long as possible I guess, about three days before Tala got back to Japan Boris had kidnapped, raped and even tried to murder Tala, all in forty-eight hours. He survived because they searched for Boris after he missed a meeting with his officer. Tala's got his pride for starters, he was humiliated. He was just getting over the abuse in the Abbey, he didn't need more things to try to recover from and he just got into a family who was taking really good care of him."

Max was already in tears, Ray continued to look at Kai solemnly but choosing not to comment and Tyson was in awe with the idea that someone could hurt another human being that way. No body wanted to interrupt Kai further, but Max couldn't help the quiet "That's awful."

"Mr. Dickinson found out, the hospital called him right away and he went to Russia and came back with Tala; the family Tala was with were ready to help him any way possible but Tala wasn't ready to trust them, he just wouldn't be able to work with them to help himself and Mr. Dickinson agreed that he needed to get out of Russia. He came here because I could keep Tala safe, I didn't know to what extent I could help him but clearly, I didn't manage at all."

"You can't say it like that, Kai!" Max insisted hurriedly, "It…was difficult for him to deal with but you can't blame yourself."

Ray nodded in agreement, putting a hand on Kai's tense-muscled arms, "He'll be okay now, Kai. This will be like a wake up call for him and now you've got us."

"And we can make him feel at home now, and be his friends too. He _needs_ friends. Don't worry Kai, you can trust us with your friend." Tyson insisted with a comforting smile at the end. "Now we know what happened so we should be able to help. We're not good with psychology or anything like that but we could cheer him up a bit or something."

Kai dropped his head into his hands, breathing heavily, "I wanted you all to be able to talk to him or something; but I couldn't tell you without his permission, and he wasn't going to allow it."

Ray moved even closer, putting an arm over Kai's shoulders and trying to bring him closer to him where he'd have someone to lean against. "We know now; we'll tell him that you explained because we were making many assumptions and you didn't want us to get it wrong." He felt Kai nod, sighing quietly before sitting up and pulling away again, "We'll help you to help him, Kai; I can cook for you two, so you won't need to order in and stuff, and Max and Tyson, they're pretty friendly, it won't take much to get him to get close to all of us and once he starts getting used to things getting better, he'll start to feel better too."

Kai nodded, "Thanks." He was dead tired, and fell asleep lightly against Ray's shoulder for about an hour and a half. After that he took about two trips to the coffee vending machine. It had been about 5pm when Tala had gotten into the hospital, 11pm when they heard about his condition and almost 2am when they were allowed in Tala's hospital room. It was painful watching him just lying there in the bed. He couldn't move, he was still unconscious but had been slowly stirring from time to time, which was the reason they'd let them into the room. He was pale white, almost chalky colored, not the usual Russian paleness he had. His lips were pale blue too, having been under that cold water for far too long and having bled out for far too long too. The blood loss had been great. In Russia, he'd already had blood transfusions, and now again in Japan, it was the same.

The three of them sat around Tala's bed until they were sure that he was fully awake. In the meantime, Kai would just run his fingers through Tala's soaked red hair and looking on at him desperately as though he wished he could've done something to help. He really did wish it had never had to come down to this but it had, and how was he ever going to change it? Tala had begun to stir, before being able to say anything to Kai he'd already seen the other three teammates on the other side of his bed. "Either I'm not dead or I'm in hell." He murmured brokenly, still hoarse.

"You're not dead." Ray clarified for him, smiling softly and standing up.

"Why'd you do that, Tal?" Kai asked hurriedly, looking up from his hand on the bed to look at the redhead properly.

Max put a hand on Kai's shoulder quickly because he didn't want to stress the redhead out further with questions. "We can understand why you did that…Kai's still just shaken up and can't get over it."

Max wasn't entirely wrong, he wasn't wrong at all actually. Kai really was just shaken up and stressed out by the fact that his best friend almost died in his arms. Upon seeing that sorrowful look in the older Russian's eyes, Tala's features saddened further, "I'm sorry."

"You can't do something like that again, Tal." Kai murmured, strict but pleading, "Bryan would want you to be okay, and _not_ to try to hurt yourself like that again." He watched his friend nod, meaningfully at least, and so gripped his hand supportively.

"So how are you feeling?" Tyson asked, sitting down at the foot of the bed.

Truthfully? Tala felt terrible. Stinging and burning pains were resonating throughout his whole body, plenty of hours since the incident and still no one had bothered to give him any relief from all the pain, and he wasn't even ready to say anything to Kai's teammates. He was still trying to get over the fact that Kai had told them what had happened, as otherwise they wouldn't have been in there and been so understanding. "I'm okay."

Ray could see that discomfort on Tala's face, placing a light hand on his forearm, "Can we get you anything?"

"No…I said I'm okay." He pushed his throbbing head further into the pillow, trying to open his eyes further and looking into Kai's concern-filled ones, "Shouldn't you all go home and get some sleep? I've caused enough trouble as it is, I shouldn't be messing with your required hours of sleep."

Ray sat down in the chair beside the bed, still smiling gently, "We can stay with you a while longer, don't worry."

Kai stayed and spoke with Tala for a few minutes, just soft random sentences every moment. He then got up, went for a quiet walk around the hospital and looking for the head nurse that he'd known so well. He found out that Tala could be back home by the next day, surprising him just a bit since in Tala's beaten up condition he expected him to have needed a few more days.

The head nurse made him sit in her office for about half an hour, bringing him a hot cup of herbal tea to allow himself to relax. She knew his whole family history, she knew his family history, she knew him and knew well enough that his body did in fact have some trouble when it came to stress and exhaustion so she insisted that he sit down, drink some tea and try to rest for a few minutes before returning to his friends. At 4am his teammates went home to get some sleep, Tala had fallen asleep too, most likely from all that blood-loss and looking for some relief from the pain that flooded his frail body. Kai didn't bother to go home, he just slept in the chair by the bed, all curled up. Later on the head nurse entered the room to check on them again, just placing a blanket carefully over Kai's shaking shoulders and legs.

The next morning Tala was asleep till late, while Kai went outside to face the blistering cold and go home to get some clean clothing for Tala to change into when he woke up. Looking through the redheads things, he found that the younger Russian had almost no other clothing, his suitcase reduced to about three or four outfits. Still, he tried to find trousers that would be gentle on the poor thing's stomach and abdomen after receiving plenty more stitches. "I got you something to change into." Kai announced quietly, putting the backpack down beside the bed.

"I can't believe they're letting me out of here so early. Not that I'm complaining or anything."

"They're not letting you out," Kai began determinedly, crossing his arms strongly, "unless you promise me you're not going to pull a stunt like that again."

The redhead exhaled softly, closing his eyes and relaxing into the white fluffy hospital pillows, "I promise, I won't do that again."

Kai got up onto the bed, frustrated and sighing while he'd gone over all the things he'd already repeated in his head all night and all morning. "You knew that life was filled with pain, you know, we both know it, and it's no real secret but we also all know that sometime or another we can get over whatever it is we go through in our lives. Things can always get better but it's not going to come easy."

"I know but…"

"No but's, Tala. You tried to kill yourself for some problems that you _will_ get over eventually. I know it's tough, I know you miss Bryan but you just need to keep fighting, you need to keep living."

_**G.K. Chesterton**__** wrote: "Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed."**_

"There are a lot of things in life that we can't get over. There are things that stay with us till the end of our lives, but the haunting will never be as strong. One day things will lighten up, and things will get better, and you'll actually be glad you kept breathing and didn't give up. Even my friends are ready to help you, Tala. They want you to be able to feel better, they want to help you to get over everything you've been through."

"_**Nothing is permanent in this wicked world— not even our troubles." **__**Charles Chaplin**__**.**_

Tala tried to shake off the effect of all Kai was telling him, wiping the few traces of tears out of his eyes, "Why do they, Kai?"

"Because they are good people, and good people want to help other good people when they're hurt. It's not fair on you that you've gone through so much in such a small amount of time, and they just want to help you as much as they can." He reached forward and grabbed his friend's arm tightly to get his centre of focus, "They really can help. It took me _years_ to realize how much good they did to me, and I just don't want to sit here and watch you have to delay _your_ happiness for that long just because you don't want to listen to me."

"We think that," Ray began, thoughtfully, entering the room, "if you're a good person, and we're good people, then we should play a role in your recovery."

"Besides, you're Kai's best friend; and he's so worried about you that helping you would be helping him. So, if you think that you don't deserve the help, then think about it as though helping you is helping Kai."

Max beamed happily, looking from his other two friends to Kai's slightly shocked and embarrassed face when he'd realized they'd entered the room, "So let us help, Tala. Just give us a little chance."

"Alright." Tala whispered softly, just a hint of defeat detectable in his tone.

_**Euripides**__** said, "When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him." **_

_**A/N: Another dear chapter. The next one is probably going to be the last. I understand that people think I can expand on this fic, like bringing back Boris or something like that but it's just so typical, it's a turn around in a story that people think is interesting even after many times of it being done so unfortunately I won't be expanding this story. At least in that way. If I think of a sequel then I'll be sure to let the readers of this fic know. **_

_**Although, the fic I have planned after this has just a slightly similar plot but with a ton of variations, I think the next fic would be loved a bit more. Love being my key word here because there will be a lot of romance in the fic I have planned(No yaoi; don't worry, I'm sure to keep a particular reader in mind for this) **_

_**Note I was quite kind on this chapter, and gave about an extra thousand words than I had planned, this being because I didn't want to leave anyone with a painful cliffhanger. On another note, at the beginning there was plenty of Japanese. Please appreciate that I went through a lot of work, from getting the kanji, to writing out the romaji so you could be able to read it, to translating it. It took one very confusing phone call to Tokyo, Japan lol. **_

_**So I hope that this chapter was loved like all the others have apparently been, please leave a review and let me know what you think of it since all feedback is appreciated as always. Thank you all for reading and reviewing so wonderfully. **_


	6. Final

Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6**_

That evening they all sat around Kai's living room. The three usual people exchanged conversation, mostly while Kai and Tala listened intently to their stories. Tala was curled up in a corner of the sofa, smiling for a long time when listening to the people share stories, in a way wishing he had something as interesting to share with them. Kai was just a little taken off guard by one of their questions towards him at one point, having them repeat their question about twice before it factored in.

"What are your memories of the summer holidays?" Max repeated for maybe the third time, laughing at Kai's distance.

"What sort of question is that?" Kai asked.

"We're curious!"

"Yeah, Kai, come on, what were you like in the summer holidays?" Tala figured that if he pleaded, maybe Kai would listen to him a bit more.

He was right, the older Russian sighed in defeat. He stopped to think for a moment, "I wasn't a very good kid…I didn't ever even do my homework."

Max laughed, "Well the homework thing is normal."

"Yeah, it's normal." Kai smirked to himself, still not being able to come up with a sufficient memory of the summer holidays, "I think when I think about the summer holidays I think about dying my hair."

"What?!" Ray asked, mouth dropping a little and blinking with confusion.

"Yeah, all I was doing was dying my hair."

Tyson raised an eyebrow at him, "During summer holidays?"

"Yeah," he confirmed, running his fingers through his hair, "I went to a private school so I always had to have black hair."

Max nodded in agreement, still smiling, "Yeah, I used to do that too. I used to have to use Oxydol to take the dye out by school." He watched Kai stare at him, a smirk still on his face but not quite understanding what it was but he finally looked like he'd understood, "It's kinda old but…" he laughed, trying to give Kai some reason for not knowing what it was. "I mean they're always selling them and stuff but you've always got disinfectants at home, right?"

"So it all comes off alright?"

"Yeah, it comes off. I'll be like 'sorry mom' and just do it." Max could feel the laughs from everyone that him and Kai were actually bonding over such a small thing, "I heard that people would take out the color with beer and cola and stuff like that,"

"But I'd rather drink those." Kai laughed softly, "And you can't drink Oxydol. And I always did the coloring,"

"High class." Max joked with the eldest teammate, "City people really are different."

"And I heard about Oxydol for the first time now." Kai admitted, resting back against the pillow.

"Well I was in the countryside so…"

"Now I really didn't expect that one from Kai." Tyson admitted, "Or for Max to actually know what _Kai_ was saying."

"And Kai was a real rebel." Tala added, gaining everyone's attention again with his words, "Since knowing Kai, he would've waited till the last minute to take the dye out of his hair."

The whole team looked at Kai suspiciously, the Russian raising his eyebrow at them, wondering if they seriously wanted confirmation for what Tala was telling them. Seeing as it was in fact what he wanted, he nodded, "He's right; I wouldn't take the dye out until late the night before school started."

Everyone turned to look back at Tala who shrugged, "Told you." He sat up a little more, rather painfully as he contracted most of his muscles to push himself off the sofa, "Kai, I'm going to go upstairs and have a shower." He announced with a soft tone, shying under Kai's strict glare, "I'm not going to do anything stupid." He huffed, walking out of the living room, pouting a bit at the thought that Kai no longer trusted him as much.

"Will he be alright?" Ray asked, eyes following the redheads exit.

The Russian shrugged, picking up his drink and sipping it before putting it back down on the table, "Sure."

"Kai, are you really okay with this? He's just attempted suicide, just over twenty-four hours ago, the doctors let him out of the hospital with no psych analysis whatsoever and he's probably on the verge of another nervous breakdown."

"They don't call them nervous breakdowns anymore." Tala informed Tyson, walking in and picking up his icy drink before exiting again, leaving the world champion to feel stupid.

Everyone turned back to Kai, watching as his elbow continued to dig into the armrest of the sofa, his head supported against a finger of that hand. They all looked on worriedly at him, as Tyson had just opened his big mouth and said something upsetting with Tala still within hearing distance. Kai's features contorted to an indifferent one, shrugging his shoulders, "He's right again; they call them major depressive episodes now." He corrected them, not answering the sparkling question of 'what are we going to do?!'

The three gathered around Kai again, as they had done only a few days before. "Are you still worried about him?" Ray asked, concerned.

"Just a little." Kai answered, being honest, "I think that in terms of another suicide attempt, I have nothing to worry about. I think he's understood that he can't run from what he went through. I'm just worried because I know he's going to keep trying to deal with these things alone."

They all could sympathize with him and understand his concern thoroughly. Understanding him was simple because they all felt the same way about Tala, maybe Kai just felt it a bit stronger for knowing Tala for so long, and from being under the pressure from Mr. Dickinson to be expected to help him. "At least he's hanging out with us more." Tyson pointed out, hoping that'd cheer his friend up.

"And he's talking a bit more." Ray added quietly, tilting his head in hopes that Kai would look at him. "He's already making quite an improvement considering everything."

"I know but…for all this to happen to him, and all in less than a year…"

"No body wants to see their friend in pain, Kai. That's how we felt whenever you'd shrug off our help in the past when you were upset."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" Kai asked, glaring almost tiredly at the youngest teammate.

Max smiled, also understanding that Kai couldn't find the upside to all he was saying, "He's made an improvement. It took you two years before you started hanging out with us; he started after about a week? It means things will get better, and they'll get better quickly too."

He dropped his head into both his hands, then throwing his head back to get the strands of hair off his face, "I do hope you're right. I don't want him to have to suffer for much longer but it's not like I can just speed up the process." He stood up, taking a deep breath, "But something is wrong, I just know it. I'm going to go check on him." He didn't give them any chance to protest; not that they really would've since they knew he'd go with what his head wanted rather than what they wanted. Knocking on Tala's bedroom door there was no sound but the quiet sound of sobbing again from the other side. He pushed open the door slowly, taking in the little sight of Tala sobbing on his bed in the dark. His hand was gripping at his stomach, and with Kai's concern for those fragile stitches that were under that deadly-tight grip, he moved inside faster, getting up onto the bed and pulling his hand off them gently.

He embraced him from behind like he had last time, wrapping an arm carefully around his waist. The tears were streaming down his face fast-paced and his cries were a bit louder than they had been the last time a breakdown like this had fallen upon him. The first time Tala had seemed to be fearful about the sound of his own sobs, feeling ashamed and so muting himself but this time he'd just let things go as they were. He tried to pull the boy's face to his chest but Tala was reluctant in letting him get so close, even though he trusted this person with his life. He felt safe and protected, enjoying the warmth that enticed him closer to Kai's stronger body. Maybe sometimes it was much better to rely on people, rather than to force everything onto yourself.

Kai had very well heard the voices outside but he neither cared nor wanted to know what was going on. It got dark outside, the moonlight invading the room they laid in with its soft, silvery light and the guitarist stirred ever so slightly hearing the door sliding open carefully. Light-weighted steps on the carpeted floor and soon he felt the blanket's edge behind his back being lifted as a lithe body slipped beneath it. A warm hand touched the side of his waist then.

"May I...?" a soft whisper and a faint, sad smile curled his lips as he silently nodded. Exhaling a quiet sigh Max snuggled up closer to his teammate, pressing his face into his fellow friend's back and carefully sliding his arm around the slim waist and in between Kai's stomach and Tala's back. The redhead only stirred a bit feeling Kai's hand disappear briefly as the elder patted Max's upper arm reassuringly before embracing his friend again and pressing him a tad bit closer.

Their rest however was disturbed after a few minutes, once again as the door slid open one more time and a lithe frame entered the room, closing the piece of wood behind itself. It came to halt at the foot of the bed, tiredly sparkling orbs eyeing the picture before them briefly and a tentative voice breaking the silence.

"Have any extra space left...?"

He didn't receive any audible reply for Tala simply lifted up the blanket invitingly. Warily getting onto the bed Tyson crawled his way up and under the cover, there wasn't much space needed anyway; it was more than enough for him for he instantly snuggled up to the Russian, feeling the soft material descend down around him. Ray joined a few moments later, sitting down on the bed, cross-legged in front of the huddled up friends, occasionally brushing the red hair away from the boy's face, or rubbing his knee in slow circles.

Briefly, Tyson looked up seeing the grief-stricken expression on the Russian's features in the faint shine of the moonlight and he himself could feel some more sadness in his heart, wondering what kind of feelings a person must have to strike down such a proud human being. Carefully, he brought up a hand to softly wipe away the tears still pearling from underneath closed eyelids feeling Tala's hold around him tighten a bit in gratitude. Tala dropped his face into Kai's chest then, exhaling a long breath against it and shifting a bit more closer to the source of warmth and trying to offer a bit of calm as well, comfortably keeping his hands under his head but against Kai's chest to rest his head.

And that was it. All four of them stilled then, mutely sharing warmth, sympathy, support, care and love with each other, right now being just that, a little family that got welded together even more after everything that had happened and vigorously standing tall in front of whatever was going to happen still. The life goal between them all had become to protect each other. Because really and truly, that's what a good friend is. Someone who will protect you, someone who was willing to suffer your pain with you just so that it'd be a little bit more bearable. Tala had been so convinced that Bryan had been his only friend, that having Kai was just like a backup. He knew the two of them were friends, but how much was Kai willing to give up to protect him? As much as Bryan had given up? Now he realized; even Kai's friends were giving him things to help him. They were giving him strength, they were giving him support. Kai gave in to his pride, Kai gave up his friends. It was still a lot more than he could ever ask for.

_**Albert Pine**__** said, "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." **_

After about an hour or two, the crying died down completely and Tala fell asleep almost instantly. Kai got up and left the room quietly so as not to wake him up, leaving him to his dear friends. The three mutually agreed that Tala needed warmth, all getting off the bed and helping to put him under the covers and to place extra layers of blankets to keep the trembling from happening again. The three left the room one by one, all being quiet to make sure that he certainly didn't wake up when he so obviously needed his rest.

Looking for Kai and wondering where he'd gone off to, they found him sitting on the kitchen counter, staring into his coffee, face depicting his serious thoughts. "You alright, Kai?" Ray asked, joining him on the counter. He nodded. "Tala looks like he's feeling better at least." He grunted softly. "Can I ask a question about something I heard in the hospital?" he shrugged. Now Ray wasn't sure how much information Kai was going to give him as an answer to his question but thought it'd be a good idea to ask anyway. "The nurse said that they thought it was you when they heard it was a suicide attempt and from your address. Why is that?"

"Everyone in this house attempts suicide sometime or another." Kai sighed, pausing to take a deep breath before he started to elaborate, "My great-grandfather committed suicide; succeeded. My grandmother committed suicide; succeeded. My grandfather attempted it, stopped himself though. My mom succeeded too. Every time it's that hospital that we go to because it's the only one in the area. It's like the lot of them have been waiting for it to be my turn to try something."

"They shouldn't just assume you're going to do something." Max grumbled under his breath, having found it a depressing thought. He looked up at Kai, quite serious, "You aren't going to do something…" he started as a statement, "right?" he finished, wanting confirmation. Kai raised his eyes at Max, a little frustrated by the idea that he would even think that at a time like this. "Just checking!" Max exclaimed, waving his hands in front of him defensively.

"Well the little curse of suicide attempts explains why you never let us sleepover." Tyson mused aloud.

"Actually, I don't let you sleepover because you're all too curious about this place and would go sneaking around. This place is far too dangerous to have people walking around it in the middle of the night."

"You can trust us not to sneak around your house, Kai." Tyson insisted; gaining raised eyebrows from everyone, "Okay so you can't." he shrugged, opening the fridge to look for something to eat.

"Tala has the right mind at least." Max covered his mouth when he yawned, "We should be getting home. My flight's tomorrow afternoon and I haven't even finished packing yet."

"Mine leaves in…" Ray looked up at the clock on the opposite wall, "Five hours." He sighed.

Kai groaned, "Sorry, I held you both up." He apologized in a quiet tone, really looking apologetic.

Ray chuckled quietly, getting off the counter, "It's fine, Kai. I'll see you in a week."

"And I'll see you in sixteen days." Max laughed, moving closer and embracing Kai's tense muscular form slightly.

"And within that time, I'll come visit you, Kai." Tyson said, grinning with the thought that Kai wouldn't like that.

"Oh joy." Kai rolled his eyes while smirking, getting off the counter too and going down the hall to show them out. He stood behind the door sleepily, waiting for them to pull on their jackets as the wind outside didn't seem to slow down. "Thanks for all this guys." He whispered, _almost_ timid.

"No worries, Kai." Tyson insisted, all three stepping out into the cold.

They waved their buys as they left, Kai standing and watching them leave a little sadly. He couldn't stand in the doorway forever, the cold was coming in and he couldn't stand there because his tiredness would almost bring his body to connect with the floor. It never took him so long to get to bed before; to undress, find something to wear for bed, have a shower, get dressed again and get into bed. In between all the preparation for bed he checked on Tala about three times, making sure that he was still safe and sound asleep. He was each time; using that as an excuse to allow himself to get some sleep of his own. Considering he hadn't gotten proper sleep within the past forty-eight hours, needless to say the sleep was something he could do with.

_**--Next Morning--**_

Kai found that getting up in the morning was quite…irritating. He was looking forward to the idea of sleeping in late on the holidays but his panic and enthusiasm to check on Tala won him over and after half an hour of fighting with his own body he managed to help himself out of bed. He dragged his body all the way down the hall, knocking lightly on Tala's bedroom door to see if he was awake yet. It was already 10:45 and so he wasn't really worried about waking Tala up too early. When he stepped inside, Tala was wide awake, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. "Morning, you alright?"

"Yeah." Tala mumbled, lifting his hand and wiping the sleep out of his eyes.

"Get up then. We'll go downstairs; you can watch me _attempt_ making breakfast." Kai smirked, putting an effort of humor in his tone.

"I can't move." Tala sighed, pressing his cheek into the pillow and biting back tears or whatever emotion he felt was rising in his chest. "I've been trying to get up for ten minutes but I just…"

"Let me help." He stepped a little closer, careful so as not to startle Tala with such movement when he was in such a vulnerable state. He sat down on the side of the bed, pulling Tala closer slowly before putting his arms underneath him and putting him in a seated position at the side of the bed. Looking back, he caught sight of the red trail Tala was leaving in the bed sheets, raising his eyebrows, "Tal…"

"That can't be good." Tala sighed, seeing the red blood stains too.

"Maybe you got your period." Kai joked quietly, smirking even though Tala was glaring at him.

"I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure only girls get that." He tried to push himself up, his legs almost failing him and leaving him to collapse into Kai's arms again; lucky for him Kai had a very good reaction time, even on a few hours of sleep.

"Careful." Kai helped him stand up straight, "Go to the bathroom, check the stitches; you might've pulled one." Despite Tala's quiet protests he did what was asked of him, walking slowly into the bathroom, shutting the door to check on his stitches. He tried to formulate an argument in his mind; just in case a stitch had come undone or something of the sort then he'd need a very good argument to bring Tala to go back to the hospital to have it fixed.

Tala was quiet in coming out of the bathroom, wincing with almost each step. "The stitches are fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I probably just pulled on them or scratched them." He put a hand to his stomach, walking to the bedroom door, "Come on; I want to watch you try to cook. I need something to laugh about."

"Thanks." Kai murmured sarcastically, smirking, placing an arm carefully around his friend to make sure he didn't lose his balance. They got downstairs, in the living room already being able to smell the strong scent of a typical breakfast being cooked. Walking into the kitchen, both stepped back a little, eyes widening at seeing the neko-jin and young blonde in there; Ray at the cooker and Max setting the table. "Morning sleeping beauties." Max laughed upon noticing their dumbfounded expressions.

"I thought the two of you were going to see your families." Tala reflected out loud.

Kai nodded, raising his eyebrows further, "_That_ and how did you get into my house?"

Ray turned off the cooker, walking to the two and leading Tala's trembling form over to the table to sit, "You left your spare key at the Dojo almost two weeks ago; we kept it in case there was ever an emergency of some kind."

"_You're_ meant to be on the other side of Asia." Kai reminded, pointing at Ray, then turning his attention to Max, "and_ you're_ meant to be on the other side of the world."

Max pushed Kai down into a chair; which actually wasn't so difficult considering Kai was weak without his morning coffee and was still utterly confused with their presence. "We just thought that we were needed here. Ray and I postponed going away till the next holidays we get. We figured that right now Tala needs us more than we need holidays abroad."

"You postponed time with your family to stay here with me?! Are you all insane?!" Tala lashed out, trying to stand up but Ray set him back down.

"Really, that's _his_ way of being _appreciative_." Kai commented with a rolling of his eyes.

"Listen Tala," Ray began, sitting on the table where he could see the redhead suitably, "the people of my village haven't moved for hundreds of years so if I decide I want to go see them then I know where to find them, and Max knows that his mom is going to end up being too busy to spend time with him anyway. This year, you being here, it just gave us the reason to do something different."

"But…"

"No Tala; you made us realize we've formed like a pattern here and we stuck to that pattern because we never really had much else to do. This year we have something better to do."

Kai sighed, his head connecting to the table, "Don't make him cry or we'll be back to everything that happened _last_ night!" he exclaimed after having seen a tear gliding down the pale cheek.

"Shut up, Kai." Tala said, putting his face in his hands.

Max smiled, whispering "Awwww," before moving over and embracing Tala a little; tight enough to be supportive, not too tight so as not to make the abused body need to shy away from him. To Tala it was the perfect embrace, the perfect amount of safety and care that he needed.

"So where's the third?" Kai asked, a little more drained of energy. By now he would've gone and got his morning coffee, but it had been delayed by going to get Tala from his room, waiting for him and then this surprise in his kitchen, "I mean if I've got you two here for the holidays might as well get the full package, right?"

Ray knew Kai wasn't _entirely_ pleased they were still there because that meant that they'd be hanging around him more often, though the obviousness that he liked them hanging around his place was still there in the lining of his voice. "He is picking his dad up from the airport. He'll be here in about two hours after he's sure that his dad wouldn't go on to him about not being there."

"He won't get into trouble, will he? None of you will, right?" Clearly Tala wasn't keen on the idea that everyone cancelled their plans to be there for him, and didn't quite like the idea that they could get into trouble for taking away from their time with their family.

"It's fine, Tala."

Kai got up, being unable to take the lack of coffee any longer. He moved over to his younger Russian friend, leaning on the back of the seat to be able to whisper in his ear so no one else could hear his friendly guidance, "Just be thankful they did this for you. If you just keep worrying about what they gave up, then what they gave up would be in vain. Relax and enjoy your holidays."

"Alright." He whispered, timid, shameful, just upset that these feelings of kindness were so foreign to him.

"Ray, what's for breakfast? Tala's like a moment away from fainting."

"No I'm not!" Exclaimed the young Russian.

"Breakfast is almost done."

So that's how their day continued. Ray made a rather large breakfast, conveniently larger than the one that the cook had made the days before and so Tala was left quite surprised. Kai got the coffee he was craving and in the afternoon leaving his dear redheaded friend to his other three friends while he got some more sleep that he needed so badly. Max and Tala had really seemed to hit it off since Max was excellent at keeping conversation light and not forcing Tala to try to talk too much. What could Tala really talk about anyway? He had no real memories outside the Abbey, and the ones inside the Abbey were not worth discussing.

They all chose to spend their holidays this way. In each others company where they were safe, where they were cared for by each other. Life was filled with all sorts of pain, but having someone to help you through every little bit, to feel that safety, that comfort, that support, it was well-worth the pain in the very end. Sometimes the worst bit about dealing with all the pain is not knowing when to look on the good side, the Brightside, to be able to see the good that came out of a terrible experience. Maybe that was what Tala's biggest mistake was. Maybe it was the worst thing. Maybe it was the lesson he never learnt. The lesson he never allowed himself to learn out of fear that he'd hurt himself more.

Now he promised himself though, he'd never forget.

_**Rose Kennedy**__** once said, "Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" **_

_**A/N: There you go! Final chapter of this rather short fic. I'm dedicating this chapter to SilvanArrow; asking for forgiveness that I didn't include any TalaOC romance like she would've liked but she's been mega supportive of my work lately that I had to dedicate something to her! So this is a thank you for all her dedication to my work, for reading and reviewing **__**everything**__**; and trying her best to even read things she herself doesn't necessarily like; honey, your support has been greatly appreciated all this time so thanks loads from the bottom of my heart! **_

_**You may have all noticed I changed my screen name. Phoenix From The Flames 1978 was quite original back when I chose it but I needed something new, and something shorter. Heaven help me if I lose reviews and readers because of this name chance but the name change was long overdue. Kare Uta actually means "Perishing Poem" in Japanese, and is the name of one of the most beautiful songs I ever heard in my life too so I chose it as my screen name. **_

_**Thanks loads goes to all those that read and reviewed this story. I'd appreciate it if anyone who didn't review past chapters to at least review this last one so I know how many people were reading. I'm glad you all enjoyed it. I have a new story in mind, first chapter shouldn't take long to be up so if you liked this then you'll like what I have planned next. Take care everyone and thanks. **_


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